You want a blog? you cant handle a blog

Fuck my life.

Yeah generic teenage angsty bullshit.
Im so tired of being a freaking teenager. Im tired of everyone expecting me to have a girlfriend. Im tired of going to family reunions and having them say "You still dont have a girlfriend?" or "i bet you do your just hiding it." Because after they say that i want to strangle myself with a belt. It would probably be one of the only things that makes me feel alive anymore.

On that subjects i only feel alive roughly two three times.
When im taking a hot shower, hot enough to leave my skin red.
When im shiviring and freezing in my room huddled in a blanket trying to get warm while painting.
And when im sweating and panting from breath after playing my drums.

Other then that i dont feel anything. Well besides when she looks at me.

Im a moron. I always go for the girl i cant have. I dont think im bad looking im border line attractive if nothing else. If i was a prick i could have probably fucked at least 1 or 2 semi attractive girls, then dumbed them. But for some reason i decided that i would rather be in a meaningful relationship rather then something pointless.
You know what i really want? i want to get drunk of my ass, i want to get wasted and i want to be stoned out of my mind twenty four seven. I want to be on acid or heroine or pills or anything. I want to be able to piss people off, i want people to hate me with a passion. I want to be a fucking tool. Im so tired of being whatever the hell i am. Some days it hits me strong enough were i want to get up in the middle of art class and knock the living shit out of the stupid fucking girl who thinks its atractive to stick a ring through her nose. it makes her look like a pig like a stupid pig whos just gotten up from stuffing her face filled with food. That or some tribal women who doesn't know the first thing about beauty. Its not exotic its not sexy its stupid. your a pig.

Im so tired of these emo kids walking around talking about how they are so weird and doing things so people think they are weird. Some of us actually deal with shit like that and unlike you we dont put on some personallity to be away from the group. Im practically skitso. We all want to be part of the norm no one wants to be on the outside. All you get on the outside is a face full of insults. Im no different then anyone you know. And hell im probably a lot nicer to you then they will ever be. I just cant talk. i cant physically express my emotions through talk.

And you. God i wish you understood, i wish you completely understood how much you mean to me. I wish for once in my life some story book thing would happen and i could be happy and you happy and all of that. And then it comes crashing down that it is impossible for that to happen. because it wouldn't work. ever.
Now my dreams have started taunting me again. i go to sleep and when im not getting made fun of in dreams im having dreams about you and me that i wish would be over rather then taunt me with crap i know doesn't happen.

Its not that i dont believe in true love. Because i do. But i believe that it doesn't come to me. Because im a pessimist. and because i haven't found anyone, and because im bitter.
I hate relationships i hate seeing my friends in them and it pisses me off to see it. Its unhealthy i should enjoy seeing my friends happy, but what i see is how they completely drain the personallity they have to mold into what ever shape their girlfriend wants them to be. holding them and going all over them when they are not like that at all. i know them.

But see things are different for me. i cant feel comfortable around anyone anymore. Well almost anyone. Even around her i feel like everyones watching me, everyone around is listening and talking about how much im in love with her. Of course im fucking in love with her (pardon the language) im pathetic im completely pathetic. But what does it matter? it doesn't like i said there won't ever be some magic spark or some crazy romantic move i could do to win her over. Shes not a prize and shes not mine by any means. Oddly enough all i want is for her to atleast date a semi nice guy that wont use her like some sort of object. i thought about that if she ever started dating someone and it turned out he was cheating on her. I think i would beat the shit out of him. even if she didn't want me too. I've always wanted to do that. Just once i would love to be able to beat the crap out of some jerk who treats women like objects.

Although i dont do much better.



To show how pathetic i am theres a girl in my art class and all i could thing today was. I bet shes a miserable lonely wreck like me. Then i smiled because it made my day to see someone was in the same boat as me.

But hell i could be nice if i wanted to. i could be happy and i could probably get everyone i know to love me to completely fall head over hills for me. Im not a mean guy i can be very very nice.
I just dont show it because no one cares they all have me pegged as depressed loner kid whos mean. When really all i want to do is be nice and friendly.

I can switch on and off the depression.
God im glad i have friends. if i didn't i'de be dead.
Which puts alot of stress on them but im not really serious.
Im just glad i have someone anyone that i can talk to.