You want a blog? you cant handle a blog

Fuck my life.

Yeah generic teenage angsty bullshit.
Im so tired of being a freaking teenager. Im tired of everyone expecting me to have a girlfriend. Im tired of going to family reunions and having them say "You still dont have a girlfriend?" or "i bet you do your just hiding it." Because after they say that i want to strangle myself with a belt. It would probably be one of the only things that makes me feel alive anymore.

On that subjects i only feel alive roughly two three times.
When im taking a hot shower, hot enough to leave my skin red.
When im shiviring and freezing in my room huddled in a blanket trying to get warm while painting.
And when im sweating and panting from breath after playing my drums.

Other then that i dont feel anything. Well besides when she looks at me.

Im a moron. I always go for the girl i cant have. I dont think im bad looking im border line attractive if nothing else. If i was a prick i could have probably fucked at least 1 or 2 semi attractive girls, then dumbed them. But for some reason i decided that i would rather be in a meaningful relationship rather then something pointless.
You know what i really want? i want to get drunk of my ass, i want to get wasted and i want to be stoned out of my mind twenty four seven. I want to be on acid or heroine or pills or anything. I want to be able to piss people off, i want people to hate me with a passion. I want to be a fucking tool. Im so tired of being whatever the hell i am. Some days it hits me strong enough were i want to get up in the middle of art class and knock the living shit out of the stupid fucking girl who thinks its atractive to stick a ring through her nose. it makes her look like a pig like a stupid pig whos just gotten up from stuffing her face filled with food. That or some tribal women who doesn't know the first thing about beauty. Its not exotic its not sexy its stupid. your a pig.

Im so tired of these emo kids walking around talking about how they are so weird and doing things so people think they are weird. Some of us actually deal with shit like that and unlike you we dont put on some personallity to be away from the group. Im practically skitso. We all want to be part of the norm no one wants to be on the outside. All you get on the outside is a face full of insults. Im no different then anyone you know. And hell im probably a lot nicer to you then they will ever be. I just cant talk. i cant physically express my emotions through talk.

And you. God i wish you understood, i wish you completely understood how much you mean to me. I wish for once in my life some story book thing would happen and i could be happy and you happy and all of that. And then it comes crashing down that it is impossible for that to happen. because it wouldn't work. ever.
Now my dreams have started taunting me again. i go to sleep and when im not getting made fun of in dreams im having dreams about you and me that i wish would be over rather then taunt me with crap i know doesn't happen.

Its not that i dont believe in true love. Because i do. But i believe that it doesn't come to me. Because im a pessimist. and because i haven't found anyone, and because im bitter.
I hate relationships i hate seeing my friends in them and it pisses me off to see it. Its unhealthy i should enjoy seeing my friends happy, but what i see is how they completely drain the personallity they have to mold into what ever shape their girlfriend wants them to be. holding them and going all over them when they are not like that at all. i know them.

But see things are different for me. i cant feel comfortable around anyone anymore. Well almost anyone. Even around her i feel like everyones watching me, everyone around is listening and talking about how much im in love with her. Of course im fucking in love with her (pardon the language) im pathetic im completely pathetic. But what does it matter? it doesn't like i said there won't ever be some magic spark or some crazy romantic move i could do to win her over. Shes not a prize and shes not mine by any means. Oddly enough all i want is for her to atleast date a semi nice guy that wont use her like some sort of object. i thought about that if she ever started dating someone and it turned out he was cheating on her. I think i would beat the shit out of him. even if she didn't want me too. I've always wanted to do that. Just once i would love to be able to beat the crap out of some jerk who treats women like objects.

Although i dont do much better.



To show how pathetic i am theres a girl in my art class and all i could thing today was. I bet shes a miserable lonely wreck like me. Then i smiled because it made my day to see someone was in the same boat as me.

But hell i could be nice if i wanted to. i could be happy and i could probably get everyone i know to love me to completely fall head over hills for me. Im not a mean guy i can be very very nice.
I just dont show it because no one cares they all have me pegged as depressed loner kid whos mean. When really all i want to do is be nice and friendly.

I can switch on and off the depression.
God im glad i have friends. if i didn't i'de be dead.
Which puts alot of stress on them but im not really serious.
Im just glad i have someone anyone that i can talk to.

lord

it sucks

It sucks that you dont even care that were not friends anymore. but i dont really care that much because you never wanted a friend you wanted something else i dont even know.

It sucks that you aren't my friend anymore too, that you have changed so much that we cant even talk anymore. I guess that can apply to two people.

it sucks that somehow im just drifting apart from everyone whos my friend and everything like that. it sucks that no matter how many blogs i write i get no closer to the truth of whats going on.
It sucks that i spend my summer days alone because i dont have anyone who wants to hang out anymore.

It sucks that i cant even find a crush. And by that i mean i cant even find one girl who i like which is odd for me, there is absolutely no one at all that i like and its a weird feeling.
It sucks that the one summer that i have off is going to be spent hanging alone or maybe with one other person. because for some reason my friends have decided to get mad at me.

It sucks that at this point i dont mean that much to anyone. Because its true that if i just stopped talking no one would be like oh hey what happened to cody? well maybe they would but only for a second.

It sucks that im so bored i have to write yet another blog to wallow in my own self pity.
it sucks that no one really gets how it is, they all say get over it but they really dont understand what its like to be a guy like me, or atleast the ones that say get over dont.

I dont know what it is.

Damn another dream about her again last night. She haunts me for fun now.

I dont know, i have all the friends in the world, people are nice to me, Im ok at art, i can play the drums, but i just feel something is missing.
I'm so tired of waking up in the morning to some boring everyday livestyle that ill do for all summer, i want to have someone i can wake up too, someone i can discuss anything someone who loves art and appreciates my taste in music, someone that likes me. But im afraid this person only exist in my head, i don't think they will ever exist. Im not sad or depressed or anything. Im jealous of a ton of people yes, Im jealous that shes so happy when i cant be that happy, im Jealous that all my friends are hooking up and im still the looser, im jealous that all these people are making new friends and im just becoming more and more enclosed and stupid.

I need something but i can't figure it out. I try and sleep more maybe i can learn a little bit more about me or something like that. but maybe dreams mean nothing, maybe there just there to haunt me.

I dont want to say im depressed right now im not. Im not as happy as i could be, but when im with my friends im the same, its just the loneliness that gets to you. Waking up day after day to no one. and its not just about girlfriends its about friends. Knowing that i may not hang out for another week and probably wont talk to anyone untill schools back, simple things like hanging out make my mood so much better, but right now im just eh you know?

i dont really know if anyone reads these anymore, or if anyone cares, or if anyone understands. I think next year will be better, i hope it will, god i do.


(i always love ending dramatically)

Im torn between two worlds.

Ive made a choice which i know will impact my life in a dramatic way.

I couldn't decide how to spend my time or how to go along with the day and how to just not keep from being bored. So ive decided to spend my days doing what i love, art. All i want lately is to draw and draw and keep drawing. Theres something calming about art, many times when im on the verge of a nervouse breakdown and i find my hand shaking from whatever emotion im about to be over come with i grab my pencil and try and lay something anything down on paper to make me feel better.

Art will never lie to you, it is what it is and theres no changing that. Art doesn't care if your slow or fast are anything it just cares about the results. Thats whats so calming. you can sit for hours drawing nothing but its just an expression of you and your personality. I never grow bored of making things up and creating new places and worlds and ideas. The normal world is so boring so dull so full of hate and mis trust and lies and all that. but The worlds i create are just happiness, i know a warped few from a person who still has the heart of a child but its my relieve from the world somewhere i know cant be corrupt by the all mighty dollar and by fancy new gadgets.

Arts the only thing i have left, and im making sure it doesn't leave me.

Ive always been a thinker.

Ive never been one to "live in the moment" im always thinking. and write now i have nothing left to think about. I dont have a lover, dont have a crush, i dont really have anything right now.
But maybe its better off that way, maybe its better to stay single till you find that one, i just wish there was an easier way, i wish some sign from above would come down and tell you which is the one. But unfortunately you have to search. Now i dont mean to be sexiest but i think its much easier for girls in the whole relationship aspect. The guy is always the one who has to walk with her, or sit with her, or call her, or practically anything. Hell the guy even has to do the asking. you get off easy, all you have to do is sit there and be yourselfs, while the guy has to make you like him 9/10

but thats bullshit statistics i wouldn't know. im not a relationship guy at all.

but when you think about it its really weird. i mean it sucks really to be in the highschool years, were hormones and lust rome the hallways, and they call it a relationship. Now given there are some few at that, that mean something to one another but the rest is just lust. Its a competition to see who can "score" the hottest girl/guy. Which does wonders on people like me's self esteem.

i complain about that enough. but truth is im not really cut out for the whole "boyfriend" thing, i knew that and my point was proven with my last relationship. So im not going to waste my time and do all that again, its pointless. maybe if by some stretch i find the right girl who likes me to. But thats a rarity. To many hot guys no one wants guys like me anymore. and you know its true.

EH eh eh. edit: 6:54

I don't really know.

I wish there was someone that could just tell you how your supposed to be feeling, because right now i cant think of the right words to describe how im feeling. Im happy, but im sad at the same time. I don't really know why i'm sad at all, i just feel like well i don't know.

I keep having dreams about my art classroom all the time. almost every night now and it scares me. Dream moods (an online dream dictionary site i visit quite frequently) Tells me to dream your in a classroom can signify your learning an important life lesson and want to learn from experience. I guess i can understand the life experience but why my art teacher, i guess it was my favorite class but its not like i was close with the teacher or anything. But the thing that pisses me off the most is every time i have that dream she says the same thing, "dont worry about my daughter" which i guess is a sign in itself and i guess its pretty self explanatory but it's just weird. Because then i wake up thinking about what it all meant.

i forgot an important part of this dream. At one part she reads of a list of names to me, i cant remember for what, i think i was being invited to something, but anyway everyone of the names were people i had never heard of. which is really confusing. the closest thing i could find to this was an article about people you dont know
To see people you don't know in your dream, denotes hidden aspects of yourself that you need to confront.

although i dont know what hidden aspects i might have. which is confusing because how do you confront whats hidden.


I've also been having a dream were im a character in a video game dream moods says
it suggests that you are trying to escape and not confront the stress and problems in your real life. Consider the type of video game for additional insights.

To see or dream that you are a character in a video game, suggests that you are feeling controlled and manipulated by others. You feel that you have no control over your actions or are not taking responsibility for them.

that one makes since to me. i am trying to escape the stress and problems of my real life, but the things that are causing that stress can't exactly be confronted, well i say that as in i already have confronted them its just still there. i dont know maybe theres something i blocked out.

The last dream besides those two that i can remember is i was at a movie theater and then she walks by and my mind thinks i should go over there and say hello and give her a hug. and then in the dream i realize oh yeah were not dating. so i stand in a corner.

dream dictionarys take on this.

"

To dream that you are in a movie theater, indicates that you are attempting to protect yourself from your emotions and/or actions. Viewing them on a movie screen projects them onto another person and thus makes those feelings/actions distant . You may be protecting yourself from experiencing them.

To see your mate's ex in your dream, suggests that you may be comparing yourself to the ex. The dream is trying to tell you not to make the same relationship mistakes that ended that relationship.�

To dream that you are in a corner, signifies feelings of frustration and lack of control in making decisions. You may feel trapped and "cornered".

"

i dont really know what to make of it. to say is that right or not. i understand the trying to hide from my emotions thing, and i guess i get the try not to make the same mistakes. but its just still so weird. The sub consciouses is crazy with the things it can release to you through just simple dreams. ive been sleeping alot trying to find out more about it all.